Forrest ... the Corgi Comic

Memorial Day 2017

I'm just the guy with the girl everybody wants to know

“Being a high school class clown with nerd-like tendencies, it was far beyond my comprehension that I would someday be married to the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world. But, I get ahead of myself. Back to high school where I was a girl-shy, Clearasil-using, bespectacled young lad who believed that the girls I liked would only be attracted to the team sports heroes and “cool” guys. So, I avoided eye contact with the girls … awkwardly stared at them from a distance … and attempted to make them laugh when I could muster up enough courage to actually open my mouth to utter a few words. Needless to say, I didn’t ask anyone to the prom (in fear of rejection) … and, during the two school dances I did attend, stood motionless against the gym wall along with the other SSFC members. (Scared Silly of Females Club)

Fast forward to May 18, 1996. As I stood at the alter holding hands with Janet while gazing into her sparkling brown eyes, I silently counted my blessings and resisted with all of my willpower the urge to run through the church giving high-fives to all of my friends while shouting “Can you believe that this incredibly beautiful, talented and loving woman is marrying me?!” My mind swirled and the sound of angelic singing brought me back to the alter. It was Janet singing to me and ME only … “Grow Old with Me.”

Here it is 21 years later and I still feel like racing down the street giving out high-fives and telling anyone who will listen … “I am married to the most marvelous, gifted, loving, caring, stunning woman in the world!”

Happy 21st Anniversary Janet! I love you more and more each passing day. 

(TBT photo that Janet gave me the Christmas before we were married. One of my favorites of my most amazing wife.)

Butt Dial

To hold my Butt Dialing to a minimum, I keep my phone in my front pocket. However, when I accidentally dial my wife, she tells me when I get home ... "your little buddy called me today." I think I'll start putting my phone in my back pocket again.

Lawn Chair Humanity

I remember, as a youth, my dad and mom sitting on those cheap, folding lawn chairs out in front of our opened garage. They were not alone. Neighbors all along the street were doing the same thing. Riding my bike down the street, I would get the friendly wave … a cheerful greeting … or the occasional “how about those Bulldogs?” (Our high school mascot was a Bulldog.) I could also keep tab on the Cubs as day baseball was in style and living in Illinois, Cub fans had their transistor radios tuned to WGN while sitting out on their driveways.

Today, it appears to me, that many people have disconnected from humanity by connecting to the internet. You can often find them, not sitting in the front of the house making face-to-face human contact, but “out back” on their deck or patio keeping tabs on their kids via text messages … annoying their Facebook friends with political rants … or anonymously using social media to “stir up the pot” on political, sports and social issues. I can’t remember ever overhearing my folks talk about not being friends with someone just because they were a democrat or republican. Dan, that rabid republican next door sure was nice for bringing over some of his delicious garden-grown tomatoes for no reason at all. And widow Brown, that die-hard democrat, sure was generous with those mouthwatering apple pies she so often shared. My dad was just as generous. He often sent me to Mrs. Brown’s house to mow her tiny lawn for her … just because it was the right thing to do.

I’m sure that I’m looking at the past through rose-colored glasses … but it does seem to me like people were less confrontational back in the day.

For my part, I’m off to “the Walmart” to get a cheap, yet colorful aluminum lawn chair. I’ll park myself out in front of the garage, leaving my smart phone inside the house. I’ll wave at the passersby’s … talk to the kids on their bikes … and on occasion shout out, “how about those Dawgs!” If I have not received a cease and desist email from my HOA in a week or so, I will pat myself on my back for reintroducing a teeny bit of humanity to the neighborhood.

Book of Spiff 7:55

When I find something I lost, I continue the search so that I can say, "I found it the second to last place I looked." 

Spiff 7:55

Book of Spiff 3:41

Been using voice recognition texting. 

It's nothing to write home about.

Spiff 3:41

Book of Spiff 8:55

I-85 collapses! To be renamed 

"Falcons Freeway"

"Spiff 8:55"

Book of Spiff 8:18

You're retired and in a public restroom

where a sign reads, 

"Wash hands before returning to work!"

 What do you do?

"Spiff 8:18"

Book of Spiff 5:57

Have you noticed that companies have made it easier for you to pay your bill and harder to for you to contact customer service?

"Spiff 5:57"

Book of Spiff 10:17

Television Network Newscast: 

50% Bad News 

5% Good News

45% Opinionated News

100% Worthless

"Spiff 10:17"

National Vietnam War Veterans Day

#NationalVietnamWarVeteransDay Thank you! #vietnamveteransday pic.twitter.com/Zv3GT8l32D

— Spiff Carner (@spiffhappens) March 29, 2017

The Politician's Heart

Once upon a time a doctor tells his patient, “I’ve got bad news and good news for you.”
“Give me the bad news first,” the patient says.
“You need a heart transplant immediately,” replies the doc.
“What’s the good news?” the patient asks.
The doctor says, “I’ve got two potential donors. One was a 23-year-old vegetarian who won a gold medal in the Olympic marathon. He was run over by a truck while training. The other was a 53-year-old lifelong politician who weighed 230 pounds, smoked four packs of cigarettes and ate a two-pound steak with buttered potatoes every day for 30 years. He was shot by an irate constituent."
“I’ll take the politician's heart,” the patient says.
“Why would you want to do such a thing?” asked the doctor.
The patient replies …

“I want a heart that hasn’t been used.”